Parenting a Teenager Made Easier in 5 Steps

Parenting a teenager can be a challenge and require a lot of skill and energy. However, there are a few tips that can help make it a lot easier. 

Step 1: Be positive about your expectations.

Studies show that people often perform and act according to what is expected of them. If little is expected, little will be achieved. This is known as the Pygmalion effect, and it has been seen with the expectations a parent has of a child. 

If you expect that your teenager is going to fail in school, for example, this increases the likelihood that they will fail. However, thinking the opposite can have a positive effect. It's important not to have expectations that are too overwhelming (become the President) or too specific (my son is going to be a quarterback), because expectations become limiting, but rather to have positive expectations based on the teen's interests, skills and personality. 

Step 2: Use rewards, not punishments.

It has been shown that punishments have a varying effect on discouraging a negative behavior, but rewards are guaranteed to work to encourage positive behavior. Rewards don't have to be material, as many times sincere praise will work very well to encourage the teen. 

Usually, with teenagers, parents tend to focus on the negative behaviors, sometimes taking the good things for granted. This actually serves to perpetuate the negative behaviors more. However, shifting the focus and being generous with praise can help you achieve better results.

Step 3: Adjust limits

Teenagers need different limits than children, and what is more, they need limits that are adjusted as they grow up. However, it often happens that parents don't revise the limits until a serious fight happens or something else equally out of the ordinary occurs. To prevent this, it's a good idea to revise limits consistently to maintain a balance between the teen's freedom and responsibility. 

Step 4: Remain calm

Teens are dramatic, as their emotional experiences are often extreme. They say they “hate” their parents, which is something no parent wants to hear. However, in the face of these emotions that the teen yet can't control, it's very important to remain calm and be there for them, as these outbursts usually don't reflect actual hatred, but pain and anger that the teen doesn't know how to handle yet. 

Step 5: Keep communications channels open

While the teen needs more freedom, they still need guidance and help. It's very important that they can feel as if they can receive it in their own home with their family. Teenagers need to be able to come to their parents with different problems and situations, so they shouldn't feel like they would receive only blame or anger. Rather, they need to feel that they will be supported. For this, it's important to reinforce these ideas through words and actions.

Need help parenting your teenager?
Learn more about Parent Coaching through YouTime Coaching by clicking HERE.

Sources: 

Teacher Expectations Resource

Rewards and Punishment - Psychology Today

Communicating with Teenagers

You Must Be Patient With Yourself

I was recently told that I need to be 

more patient with myself. 

The idea of "having patience" is something that most people desire to have in their lives. Simply put, it just makes things easier. We believe that there are ways to be "taught" how to be patient and that you can be good or bad at it as well. One thing that most people must know about patience is that it needs to begin by focusing on having patience with yourself.

Recently, I have been getting more involved with meditation. Between the science behind it and the personal benefits, it really is a valuable tool to have in your life, but with all great things comes a price tag and in this case, it is patience. The patience is not only found within the amount of time you meditate for but also with the thoughts that flow through your mind during that time. 



Our minds are very active. Inner dialogue is constantly up and running, seemingly impossible to turn off. Not only is this normal, but it is actually okay. Patience includes acceptance. An acceptance that we are imperfect and our minds are active creatures. 

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood" 

~ Stephen Covey, Author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

This quote could having multiple meanings, depending on the individual reading it. For me, it highlights the importance in the order of operation while trying to experience personal growth. First, seek to understand yourself. Second, let others into your wonderful world. Having patience with yourself will change the way you communicate with other people, create less stress in your life, change your perspective on some of life's most important pieces, and ultimately make you feel happier with who you are. That is life's real adventure. 

Patience is not just a concept 
that can be "taught". 
It must be lived.

Don't Risk Burning Out

When most people think about being productive, they think of the number of hours worked. Flipping that mindset may actually have a bigger impact on you and your productivity levels.

What does this mean? Focus on your breaks, mental replenishing, and refueling.

Here are 10 ways, featured in Entrepreneur Magazine to improve you mental refueling during the work day:

1. Take Multiple Small Breaks: Schedule two 10-15 minute breaks in the morning and 

two 10-15 breaks in the afternoon. Use this to break up a sometimes monotonous day. Research shows that more focused smaller chunks of work with multiple breaks yields more productive time.

2. Actually Enjoy Your Lunch: Don't settle of a "working lunch". Go outside or just change the scenery while you enjoy your food. The change in scenery redirects your thoughts to less work-related topics.

3. JUST THINK: Use 10-15 out of your day (mornings are nice) to just reflect on your life. How are you feeling? What makes you happy? What are you grateful for? 

4. Get a life!: You schedule your appointments with other people, why not schedule them with yourself? Make sure you have a calendar designated for your social life and doing things you enjoy.

5. Take up a new hobby: New hobbies can create new brain patterns, including getting you out of auto-pilot at work. Take up something you find fulfillment in and stick with it. 

6. Get your booty moving: More blood flow to the brain equals better brain power! Get your booty moving at least 30 minutes a day of moderate activity to experience all of the benefits.

7. Get away: A vacation can be tough for a lot of people to swing but time wise and financially speaking. When possible take mini-vacations of the weekends. Rent a cabin and just relax, or go somewhere more active, your choice. 

8. ZZZ: We all know how important sleeping is and it may be even more important than you think. Catch 7-9 hours of sleep to wake up fully energized. 

9. Take some of the load off: Learn to accept help from others! Trust in yourself and the other person can help facilitate this, but delegating work related tasks to take the load off is important to your mental state and how effective you are as a leader in the work place.     

10. Smell the roses: Get outside! Studies show that being outside has a positive impact on your mental state and results in higher engagement with your work following your short walk in the park.

Try all 10 or just one at a time, it is all up to you. One thing is for sure, we could all benefit from these pieces of advice. 

Screw the New Year: 3 Ways to Undermine Your Resolutions

Hey ladies and gentlemen, Captain Positive is here is help you realize how the New Year may not be all that you were hoping for. Not only do I bring you this wonderful news but I will also share with you, because it is quite important, the 3 things you can do in order to efficiently undermine your New Year's resolutions.

After reading this blog you will know all the ways to properly screw up your plans for the New Year! Exciting, I know. With this knowledge comes great power, because in order to be successful with your resolution(s) you must know what works in addition to whats makes you fall miserably on your face. So the power is yours once you are done reading this. Choose how to use this information wisely.

Maybe your resolution should just be to not undermine your resolution with what you are about to hear... #JustSaying

I present to you the "Reverse RPM" theory of failing to reach your resolution. As most of you know "RPM" stands for "revolutions per minute" and is a relative calculation of speed, so for this presentation the "Reverse RPM" theory will show you how to completely halt any forward progress and speed you are looking to create for attaining your goals.

Reverse RPM Theory

(R) Results

Problem:
Many of us have developed a wonderful tendency to be predominantly results driven. We start a diet and we only look to lose weight (and we better see results fast or on to the next diet found in Self Magazine). The overnight success story of your New Year's resolution is your first screw up for the new year, strike one.

Of the top ten most popular resolutions (Check them out here!) all of them take preparation, planning, and time. We typically undermine our resolutions by looking at them as short-term, outcome-oriented endeavors.

Solution:
A "New Year's Resolution" is exactly that, a year-long resolution and goal. Do you stop going to the gym or eating healthy once you lose those 30 lbs. on June 21st of the new year? Well, you shouldn't but lots of people do. Your resolution is a long-term goal that should be process-oriented, not simply outcome.

Sure you have an outcome in mind, but your journey to get there needs to be clearly planned out, broken down, and assigned start/completion dates. (download "My Mini Goals Worksheet" here)

(P) Preparation

Problem:
How many of you bozos knew that the new year started right as the lovely weekend was getting ready to kick off? Who wants to get healthy and make changes over the weekend when you can start on Monday?! Not many people, including me, so I have some personal stake in this.

Assuming you already created a resolution, we can safely say that you have at least identified that you have problem behaviors that need changing. Don't we all! The first step after realizing this is preparation to make the change. Unfortunately, our hedonistic "pleasure seeking" culture can sometimes force us into the "action stage" before proper planning. The result, 2 weeks of hard work towards your goal and reverting back to old ways (looks like your cigarettes will have their old best friend back).

Solution:
First, do a little detective work to figure out what your actual behaviors are, when they happen, and what triggers them (download "Track My Triggers and Patterns Worksheet" here). Second, really find out why you are looking to make these changes. First write down what positive benefits the change will bring to you (and others), followed by writing down how maintaining the problem behaviors have hurt you (and others).

Next, you must commit. Scream your goal from the biggest damn mountain top you can find (please don't do this). Seriously though, tell friends and family what your intentions are with this resolution. People are more likely to feel accountable if others know what they are trying to do.

(M) Momentum

Problem:
Wait, so since I am going to be "all healthy and stuff" starting in January, that means I can shove my face with booze and food throughout the holidays and think of exercise as the walk to the bathroom.
Maybe I can smoke my face off and start fresh on January 1st. Or, since I will be saving so much money in the new year with my positive changes, I will definitely balance that out by spending tons of money over the holidays.

People start to have trouble hearing you as you get deeper down into that hole of yours. Sounding too familiar, huh? Don't use December as a scape goat for your troublesome behaviors. This only will make things harder with a higher likelihood of failing to progress with your resolution.

Solution:
Start planning after the first week in December. Already into January? No problem! Part of successful goal setting is being flexible and adapting to what's realistically going on around you. Spend 2 weeks planning out your path of success and seek out those that will support you in this (download the "My Support Team Worksheet" here). Most people try to begin their resolution after one of their most problematic months and that is a recipe for disaster! Set a realistic start date that allows you spend a couple week planning out your moves.

Remember: Knowledge is not power, it is only potential power. You have to make the choice in using it. So go on and use that huge brain of yours to properly plan or even screw up the new year.

Have a wonderful journey!

Our First Married Christmas!

The holidays, regardless of which ones you celebrate are about family, traditions, and appreciation. On August 9th of this year, I was married to Kate and welcomed with open arms to their family. One of the best days of my life, and the beginning of a brand new journey.

Very frequently in the following months to your wedding you are asked, "how is married life?". My response is always, "it is not much different than engaged life. If anything, Kate feels quite different because she has to change her name in 90 different places..." 

I may have oversimplified a little. A whole lot has changed. My life has gotten better in many ways.

This past week I participated in my first holiday season being married. It was full of new experiences mixed with the old traditions and turned out to be quite a time. So, did it all go well or was it a scene out of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation?

Here are just a few things that were different this holiday:

1. I had the opportunity to be in a new "family photo".
2. Traveled more then ever (13 hours; Boston>South Jersey>Catskill, NY>Central MA>Boston)
3. Spent actual Christmas with Kate's family (the infamous "taking turns" with the holiday)
4. Experienced new "Wilson traditions"
5. Brought "Wolf traditions" to the Wilson's. 
6. Was able to open present with our wonderful dog Bipsy!
7. Was able to see and spend time with more family then ever before.
8. Received a ton of gift cards
9. Woke up the latest I have ever woken up to unwrap presents (9am opposed to 6am)
10. Gave out more "holiday thank you hugs" than ever before.
11. Was warmly welcomed to spend part of the holidays in 5 different homes.
12. Increased my New England sports gear by 300% on Christmas day (thanks Ellen!)

Based on these 12 things, I think it went pretty amazing. It really drove home the value of family, relationships, and our need for connection. Still, no matter how great this all feels the reality is also in the challenge of adapting to your new normal and change. The change in how you used to celebrate holidays and the people you spent it with.

I would be lying if I were to say it was easy to leave my family on Christmas Eve and not spend Christmas and my sister's birthday with her for the first time in my life. I can finally understand the challenges newly married couples face when it comes to the "splitting" the holidays. This really tests the true the essence of marriage; support, flexibility, and compromise. Compromising does not mean giving up something you enjoy (although that may happen), it means to get through something and reach an agreement with your partner that has its own intrinsic benefits. During this specific change for me, the support from both families was amazing, completely appreciated, and ultimately made our first married Christmas a successful one. 

I can't thank Dave and Ellen enough for welcoming me into their family in such a genuine way, while also thanking my parents for being so supportive in some of the changes that marriage brings your way as well.

Change is a complicated matter when it comes to humans, they either really love it or hate it. If it requires effort, they hate it. If it provides pleasure, they love it. If there is no perceived problem, there is no big change. Sometimes you don't know what direction to head in, or it doesn't excite you to make changes. Once you are able to see that every ounce of effort is worth the change you are making, it is a no brainer. The value of change and growth is overwhelming and the support is monumental. 

Kate and I are now able to look at each other, give a firm high-five,
and say that we have successfully had our first married Holidays! 

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Gift Giving: The Stress, The Effort, The Season of Giving

The holiday season is typically filled with so many positive feelings. For some though, the thought of their "dysfunctional family" getting together, having to buy gifts, sign cards, wrap presents, and potentionally travel many miles seems like an absolute nightmare.

I understand where they are coming from with the whole wrapping of the gifts piece, not my strength and never will be, I have accepted this reality of mine and my sisters have driven home the point many times. Understandably, the holidays can be a stressful time. For this reason I want to provide you with a small piece of advice while taking on one aspect of the holidays, gift giving. 

How the hell are you supposed to know exactly what to get your wife, children, significant other, or any family member for that matter when they either provide you with a "60 item list" or say "it's the thought that counts". Either scenario leaves you in a precarious spot of wondering, stressing, and wishing someone else could do this for you. Fear not though!

 I am hear to give you some advice on how to make gift giving a little easier for you this holiday.

First, remember what you are doing in the first place. You are giving! A selfless act that is done for somebody else without the expectation of reciprocation. Remind yourself that the overall act of giving a gift is positive, selfless, and appreciated one (although sometimes it may not seem that way!). 

Here are a couple rules to follow (some from personal experience and others just rules)

1. Put effort into your card and wrapping.
This point is even more true when gifting for females. They care just as much about what's in the card and the efforts put into wrapping as they do the present. Stay honest and genuine with your words.

2. Stay within your means.
Listen, I understand you may be a "people pleaser" or the whole nature of the holidays has put you in a generous mood, but set a budget and stay to it. Sometimes this can be a fun challenge for a couple. My wife and I for the holidays cap it off at $100, which for some may be a lot and for others not, but regardless it forces you to get creative while keeping that urge to overspend in check.

3. Gifts aren't everything.
Believe it or not your material things that you own (house, car, electronics..etc) can only account for 10% of your happiness. The other 90% is how you react to these things. People, including you, place the meaning in the gifts, the words you share in your card, and the time you choose to spend with loved ones. Choose wisely, communicate genuinely, and stay in the moment. 


Well, you may still be stressed moving forward into the holiday, but before giving up on it, try at least one of the pieces of advice out for size. Works for me, and for many other people. Join the population of individuals that actually look forward to this season of giving and drown out (at least temporarily) your inner Scrooge.


HAPPY HOLIDAYS!