Monday, July 19, 2010

The Blame Game

When adverse or undesired events occur in your life, what is to blame? When you receive acclamation, approval, and praise, do you accept the responsibility for such reward? This phenomenon I refer to as "The Blame Game", is nothing less than an individuals explanatory style. As it sounds, an explanatory style is the procedure an individual goes through to explain why good and bad things take place in their lives.

There are three components of an explanatory style and frequently an individual will identify in varying degrees the following:

1. Personal factor - the individual will usually see themselves as the cause of the event 
"I always show up late to events" (internal)   vs. "There sure was a lot of traffic tonight" (external)

This component involves how the individual explains where the cause of the event arises. 

2. Permanence factor - the individual sees the situation as unchangeable
"I always attract jerks" or "things never go my way"

This involves how the individual explains the extent/magnitude of the cause.

3. Pervasive - the individual may see the situation affecting all aspects of their life
"I am always so lucky" or "I never do anything right"

YouTime Coaching focuses intensively on working towards developing a personalized, healthy, and positive explanatory style. In doing so, you will be capable of accepting the credit and appreciation you fully deserve, comprehend your potential for growth, and identify the areas of life in which you can control. 

Each week the blog will feature excerpts of friend's, family, and stranger's lives. They are anonymously donated and will contain minimal identifiable information.The intention behind these real-life examples is to highlight that many people go through similar situations and that you are not alone in how you emotional react during these scenarios. As an audience, you will have the opportunity to give these individuals direct life advice. Following your advice, YouTime Coaching will provide Life and Wellness feedback to the situations and experiences. 

You may recall a time when you lent a helping ear to a friend and decided to play therapist, while they incessantly spoke of their trouble finding a "nice guy". Or possibly of the time when you heard a male friend scapegoat an argument due to it being "her time of the month again". Although these are two specific situations, the explanatory styles of these individuals can monumentally affect other aspects of their lives.

I now present you Ashley, the 24 year old young professional who is employed by a globally renowned business corporation. She generates a very supportive income and possesses an assiduous work ethic.

YouTime: How would you currently rate your dating life?

Ashley: Non-existent. I don't currently go on dates and haven't even been in a serious relationship before.

YouTime: Have you ever been on a date?

Ashley: Yes. I have been on a few, but I would not really consider them dates because of how they went and who they were with.

YouTime:  Why do you think you haven't been on more dates?

Ashley: I would like to go on more dates if it was with the right type of guy but the opportunity hasn't crossed my path. It would be nice if I could go out on dates and leave the bozos out of it.

YouTime: So Ashley, currently, what is your perspective on men, as far as dating goes?

Ashley: Well I know a lot of great men who just so happen to become great friends. As far as dating goes, I feel as though I have been used and tossed aside. I attract mainly jerks that are looking for one night stands.

YouTime: Speaking of attraction, what type of guys do you think you attract and why do you think you attract these men?  

Ashley: Well they are really all over the charts. I have met a few through online dating sites and at bars. The guys that I meet at bars are usually preppy and drunk (laugh). I really don't know much about them, besides that they are in their 20's and usually just want to sleep with me. Regardless of where I meet men, they seem to want one night stands and that is not what I am looking for.

YouTime: So do you feel as though this is usually the case with you and men?

Ashley: This is definitely almost always the case. The majority of my experiences with men have been negative. I do not attract the right type of people.

YouTime: Do you do anything special in order to attract these "jerks"?

Ashley: I just act like myself and I guess I naturally attract them. I don't know what I do wrong. I think the flirting is effected by the alcohol. I also feel as though these guys just smell my weakness and vulnerability. It is almost like I am targeted by them.

YouTime: Last question Ashley, do you feel as though the"weakness" that attracts these guys affects any other parts of your life?

Ashley: It definitely affects my confidence, or lack-there-of, which has an effect on my work day and how I feel about myself. I realize that I am way to hard on myself, but it is just how I have been my whole life since I was little. 

Now.... It is your turn to help!

Where do you think Ashley fits along those 3 factors in an individuals "explanatory style"?

Now is your chance to give Ashley live advice and help improve her life by simply writing a reaction post below!  

Within the next few days YouTime Coaching will give some Life and Wellness coaching advice to Ashley and those experiencing similar issues.


Unknown said...

It seems like Ashley fits into all three categories, and the first step is building confidence in herself before she can work on the other pieces such as finding the right guy.

Anonymous said...

I think Ashley has more confidence than she thinks she does. From my past life and the dating scene...any drink that I held in my hand and drank socially did affect me as far as portraying who I really was. So, I think without a doubt, I would attract another person drink in hand, not really being who they were either. The fit would never happen in those cases.
Ashley seems to have a big part of her life in order and that didn't take just alittle effort to get it won't take alittle effort to get into situations that offer guys with character either...but, I also have little doubt Ashley can find those situations and has a huge amount to offer the right guy in the right situation with both people being seen as they really are.